The Loss of You.

  There is an ache in my heart that is unexplainable. Trying to put into words the role you played in my life seems to be the biggest challenge. You did not give birth to me in the way a mother does to her own child, but the birth of our relationship seems to have come from something similar.
Still, now, it is hard to find the words. I have come to realize that there may be no perfect words to put behind what we had. It was ever changing- growing and blossoming into something that can only be a bond between kindred spirits. The respect we felt for each other did not come easy, but from unconditional love.

  I never dreamt of having a relationship with my mother in-law, but how absolutely refreshing to have found one. It was challenging along the way because it was a relationship, and relationships are challenging. We wanted it. So, we went with the ebb and flow of life and met every challenge in our relationship as a way to grow and change - to keep what we had alive and healthy. Ever changing, but always coming back to that place of knowing it was all going to be worth it in the end.

  The end came way to soon... Just as I had begun my new life, your earth bound one was coming to an end. So, here I am now with your beautiful grandchildren at a loss. Loss of a friend, loss of a mother, loss of a confidant and the ultimate loss of a grandmother to these special beings, Sydney and Hannah.

  I have begun to look around as if I will find this, what we had, in another being. If I continue to do this I may grow more distant from you. So, writing...writing will keep what we had alive. It will not bring you back, but it will keep you alive in my heart - which, is the place I know you will never leave, not ever. As long as I keep you alive there you will never have gone very far. In my heart is where we will always meet, again and again. Such a sacred place this heart of mine is.

Sarah

Grief

  Grief for us all is different. Different stages, different outlooks, different ways of moving through it. It is so different for us all - each of us has a different path that we follow to grieve. Yet, I feel, it is all the same.
  The same because we all deeply miss this One who has moved on.

  I wonder (a lot more lately, having children and all. And boy do they wake up that wonder in you) why, if it is all ultimately the "same" is it so hard?  Hard in the ways of communicating?  Communicating to each other. Communicating the pain, hurt, loneliness and anger that goes hand in hand with grief.


  I wonder why then, do we all just expect each other to know where each of us is in our grief - to expect we are exactly where you, or you may be.  Or maybe, not even being able to look outside of our own grief to realize what we all may be going through - assumption I suppose.
Assuming, maybe that he or she may have all the support they need, so why impede?  Impede on their own journey of grief. Even though, ultimately, I feel, we all do want just some acknowledgement. Acknowledgement of the loss, very different for each of us because she was there for all of us in different ways - but, ultimately the same. We all feel the passing on of life on different degrees, but WE ALL do miss the beautiful lovely being that was and is still Penni.

So, emotional...


Her daughter and friend,

Sarah